reminds me of last summer.
music used to be my everything. the reason why i woke up in the morning. what kept me together when i was falling apart. after i moved out things changed. santa cruz coated me with super glue. falling apart wasn’t even an option anymore. i slowly began to live again. i wasn’t just listening to songs about better days. i was living better days. music to a backseat in my life. i began to love. love myself. love the people around me. the trees. the air. the fucking carpet. love consumed me. now that i’m back i finding myself relying on music more. and it saddens me. scares me. loving people here is difficult. so so damn difficult. i dont know why. but it is. anger strikes my heart before love.
I was reading the book of Jonh today. Jesus told the apostles before his crucifixion “Love each other as I have loved you.” I want that more than anything in this entire world. to love everyone. really love everyone. to let go of all my selfishness. my anger. my pride. my fear. my envy. my greed.
My goal in life is to learn love.
Upside down, pink triangles were worn by homosexual men in Nazi concentration camps. The reason I feel she uses this symbol in the beginning of the video is to symbolize what the world is like right now, in it’s current state. We still crucify and condemn the LGBT community by stereotyping them with certain labels (metaphorical pink triangles).
human progress guarantees me that there is a God. and that He is good. it takes more strength and more will to build your life back up than to break it down. seeing people change to better their lives and seeing people willing to change gives me hope. it gives me hope for a better world. a more peaceful and beautiful world.
this past week was “i miss santa cruz hardcore” week. and it was pretty much awful. the rainy days. the cold. melina’s phone call. yudi’s birthday. the constant UCSC invitations. the shitty mood i was in. it all piled up on me at the wrong damn time. it was the first time i really really missed being there.
most of the time its just random thoughts about what the girls are up. how my lovely melina is. if yudi is still with slicky. is she fighting with cock. what color is tanya’s hair now. what’s her favourite song right now… this time i was at the point of reaching for my wallet to buy my plane ticket. the only thing that stopped my was my pride. i dont want to be the girl who “comes back running.” i dont want to be impulsive. and especially not when it comes to going to sc.
SC is basically a non stop party. you want booze. got it. want pot. got it. want pills. done. want coke. done. want sex. easy. going back fucked up in the head will only end with me being fucked up on someone’s floor.
i have too much “fuck it” in my system right now. im growing angry. and bitter. im frustrated. i have this icky feeling in my chest that makes me want to scream and cry. i want to go home. to my home. to the only place i’ve felt safe and alive. i’ve been struggling with these feelings of wanting to go back. but now everything in me is telling me to run. run back home. i hate having these insecurities. this bitterness. this bitch mode i fall so easily into. i’m turning into the person i was before sc. and i absolutely hate it. i’m loosing control. i feel it. and i’ terrified. if i were to fall back down i honestly don’t know if i’ll be able to pick myself back up. i don’t feel strong at all anymore.
its like the more i try to become a better person, the worse i feel. guilt and shame plague me. weaken me. its discouraging. my mind and heart are refusing the change. it feels unnatural. to want to be a different person from who i am. i’ve lived life content with who i was and progressed as a person on my own. without pressure. rules. obligations. or fear. progress was natural. it never felt forced.
there’s just too much going on in my head right now. i can’t think straight anymore. my feelings are taking the wheel nowadays. frustration. anger. bitterness. fear.
i feel so tired. tired of everything. and i feel so thirty. thirsty for life. i want who i was back in sc to be here. someone who loved people. someone who didn’t constantly talk shit. someone who was content with life. someone who was truly happy with who they were. someone who was more patient and understanding. more generous and carefree.
i need 24 hrs on my own. he once told me that i’d find peace sitting under a tree. he was right. i need that right now. 24 hrs of nothing but me and the air. and the trees. i need to quiet my mind. i need to get back to who i am.